I've been so depressed lately. I'm ridiculously fat at the moment. And I hate it. Though I'm notn 122 anymore, I'm around 117/119 which is a plus but it's still to much. I'm hoping I can redeem myself over the weekend. I suck at life. 

I was just looking over some pictures from the summer, and it was probably the best summer I've ever had, I loved it so much in everyway. I got to go home to CA and it felt so right. It's killing me that I can never go back there, it's being sold and we only used to rent there. It was my home for 9 years and 3 summers since we moved. Anyway, these pictures were mainly ones I'd taken of myself and I was acctually thin, it's werid but I can't believe I ever looked like that. When I was at my very lowest weight [99lbs] I was too weak to look at myself that closely and take pictures.

So this is a first but I think I'm gonna post some pics... eek! I'm around 107 approx, in these. Maybe 108, maybe 105 I didn't have a scale. 

They might seem photoshopped and I think I edited the contrast on the top two, but the bottom two are in natural light.
XxX

I'm so fat now though, fuck EDs.

Current Mood: creative
Current Music: Linkin Park - Crawling

I'm unbelieveably fat right now.
122lbs
8st 10
Ewww

That's 5lbs away from my high weight. I'm so weak.

This week has been so weird weight wise. I went from 123lbs to 120 to 125 to 124 to 122.
I hate my scales. I hate myself. 

How did I let myself get this fat?
I know some people hate the fact that their boobs shrink, but since mine have grown, and seem to be right under my nose 24/7, I hate them. I've always hated having big boobs and when I was around my low weights I was happy with my boobs. Now they get in the way and make me look fatter.

Anyway, we're off to Canada tomorrow till next Sunday for snowboarding!
So I'll be getting so much excercise and my mom said I can go to the gym if I want. I need to lose this weight badly. 
Hopefully when I get back on Sunday I'll have lost some poundage. I refuse to be this fat.

Stats:
HW: 127
CW: 122
LW: 99
Height: 5"6
CBMI: 19.6
LW BMI: 15.4

Ready, Set GO......

XxX

 FAT FUCKING USELSS PIECE OF SCUM, WORTHLESS PATHETIC BRAT WHO CAN'T KEEP CRAP OUTTA HER MOUTH LONG ENOUGH TO LET HER BODY DETOX AND STOP GIVING HER CRAMPS ALL FUCKING DAY. WHY AM I CRAWLING AROUND NEAR MY HIGH WEIGHT AND STRUGGLING TO GET DOWN TO MY LOW WEIGHTS THAT WERE SO EASY TO GET TO LAST FUCKING APRIL?!?!?!

GET SOME GODDAMN CONTROL AND A FUCKING LIFE.

I hate myself.

Wow, ok I just had a massive binge. And I'm trying to make myself laugh about it but it's not working!

I managed to bloat up 4 inches around my waist and probably 4/5 inches arount my tummy, ouch is all I can say. It hurts!

So yeah that's fun! I know it's only bloating but it's awful, I took photos of my tummy when I got home and comparing them to my bloated pics is crazy! It's like when I'm bloated, I'm acctually pregnant cause I get 2 bumps. I get my bloated stomach which is like right under my rib cage and then my ab-flab bump which just pokes itself out. EEEEW.
I hate my body, well I'd love it if it were miniscual. Which it damn well will be. I'm not giving up, I cant live like this anymore. 

XxX

I don't think I posted yesterday... Oh well, It was fine, I over ate a tiny bit but I didn't feel STUFFED so it was ok I guess. 

But today I was rushing to the toilet after every lesson... it wasn't very pleasent but I think it was something to do with the milkthistle tablets [dissolved in water] that was making my bowels move so much! But I'm super glad they did casue it was like a herbal laxative that I could feel working, so now I feel super clean on the inside! 

And weight wise I'm back into the 7stone range!!! 7st 13.5lbs!!! Haha I know, barely in there but still! I'm been stuck in the 8st range for WAY too long. I'm happy to be getting back to the 7stoners. We'll see if this lasts and what happens tomorrow, but I'm uber happy!

I burnt 400 cals at the gym again, and finished my ceramics final piece and have started my painting. Everythings coming together! 

I'm off to do some chemistry and math homework... yippie!
Gonna have my detox juice, and some tea... and haven't decided wether I want some of my dad's homemade bread or not.

XxX

Wooo back on track!
This week is going to rock, hopefully next week will too, I have a jam-packed weekend so I should be able to avoid binging. But we shall see...

I think I have bi-polar tendencies, I go up and down!! haha, scary I know. I feel so good right now, mainly cause I burnt 400 cals at the gym and 170 at rebounders and have only had a detox juice [21.8 cals]. I get such a buzz from not eatting! It's crazy, but then if I do I go super crazy [like last week]. I couldn't even face posting, I felt horrible. I know I did it yesterday as well and was seriously down and today has only been 1 day after 8 days of binging, but I still have that invincible feeling, like this could go on forever.

The way I see it I could make 2 weeks, and that's the goal. Cause I already did 1 week, so I can hold out for another 1. Maybe? Hopefully? If anything just aim to not binge next week and make my friends worry, well my best friend anyway, no one else seems to care/notice. 

So I'm weighing myself every day again, so I don't go biserk, and I'm 114.75 lbs today. =] Not 120 anymore! My goal is 111 by Saturday and 107 by next Saturday, which will be the 2nd of Feb, which means a school house party with a boys school, woooop! I feel restricted now that I have a bf, but these parties rarely yeild appealing boys... haha, they're more like nerdy people like me dancing and 'rebelious' people like some of my friends trying to con the teachers about how much alcohol they've consumed and run out to the bushes with various boys. It's like an orgy fest!!!

But yeah... =]

XxX

My eating disorder is ruining my life and killing me. 

I've binged 7 days straight, 1 purge. Still fucking hate myself. Turns out I'd lost 5 lbs though. Not 120 anymore, Saturday morning I was 115.75. This morning I was 117.75 though but I think that's becasue last night was the worst night of my life. I had disgusting diarrohea that kept me up all night, I was crapping for England and felt sick. So you'd of thought I'd detox today, well that was the plan but did that work, NO. 

I went shopping, bought Co-Enzymne Q10, Milkthistle, Detox juice 27 cal powders, benefiber, and laxatives. I'm all set up for this next week. If I binge 1 more time, I will shoot myself. I'm fat, ugly and depressed. 

Anyway my eating habits have turned my bf against me in a way. I was supposed to meet him today at 2pm but I felt so awful from last nights crapfest that I told him I couldn't come, and he got all prissy and basically told me to suck it up and come see him casue it's unfair on him that we never see each other and he needs me more than I think he does... he's depressed when he doesnt see me and takes it out on his friends so basically I'm being mean to him and all his friends...  I can't take it. But I feel terrible cause the only reason things aren't going well is because I'm so preoccupied with food and how I look. I don't feel thin enough for him, I hate him touching me and my flab, and I hate having to eat around him, so I avoid going out because I feel fat, and I don't want him to see me when I'm ugly like this. And I don't really like him that much, he's sweet and I want this to work out cause it's my first real relationship but I don't really care, if he cared as much as he said he did, he would text more, call more, e-mail more. It's kinda hard to believe that he cares this much if he only talks to me Friday nights asking about the weekend, when we'll spend 1 day bowling and watching movies at my house when he'll be trying to hug me constantly and make out.

I don't want to break his heart or anything cause his sister told me that he's very shy and has been rejected in the past, and how great it is that I've come along and 'brightened' his life. I feel like it's all forced. 

I called my best friend and cried about it all, how my ED is ruining ever aspect of me. My health, my emotions, my relationships and my happiness. I feel like a bag of shit, like I don't fit into my world anymore. 

I need my life back. 

XxX

Ah this day, week even, just gets better and better....

I was doing so well untill 9pm. I got home and made myself a lot of lemon water, and had nearly finished it when my mom asked me what I was going to have for dinner, I told her I'd make myself something, so I rumaged around the kitchen and grabbed 3 mini carrot sticks. Which turned into 7 mini carrot sticks, and about 250 cals worth of cereal. Which slowly progressed to 3 slices of thick ass bread and jam, which ended with multiple lemon and chocolate cookies. It was a huge binge on food I don't really like. And it was slow so I had moments to stop. FUCK, I hate myself. 

But that wasn't even the best part.

I purged, big time.

I don't even know where I got the strengh to do something like that, I used to be too scared. It was over in less than a minute but it was about half of what I ate, definatly got the bread cause I could taste it.... It was huge, and gross and horrible. And I know I'll feel shit tomorrow casue I feel like shit right now. I've fucked this up so bad, why did I think I could go an extra week? I should of weighed myself on Saturday.

XxX 

 Fuck. I haven't been this depressed in ages. I don't know why but nothing feels right, I feel fat, I feel homesick [for CA], I feel worthless. I just need to have a good long cry about it and get it outta my system. I'm going to have a long bath and mope around in my room. Tomorrow's my last exam and there's a buffet party supper for everyone but fuck that I refuse to go. Ugh I feel like crap. 

I'm not even gonna let myself think about food. I hate the fact that I binged. I was feeling so good last week, I wasn't comparing everyone else and staring at my fat calves in the mirror, but that's all I could do today and it was shit. I have huge calves. When I have barely eatten I can sleep happily and easily, If I've eatten a lot or overeatten I can't sleep, I fart A LOT, and I can't shake the guilt and worthlessness for days after. 

NEVER BINGE AGAIN

We'll see how this evening goes. I really want to weigh myself but I know if it's bad or not what I was expecting I'll freak out, get more upset and binge. So I'm continuing with the plan, not till Saturday weigh in. I should weigh myself when I'm happy, and feel like I've been good with my eatting and excercise.

Another joyous thing bout today, I had 1 exam and it was during my basketball lesson. 1 FRICKIN EXAM that could of been anytime else but it HAD to be at 2.30. FUCK

XxX

I feel like shit.

I just binged. I was trying so hard not to go over my limit but I just couldn't stop. It wasn't that I was hungry, I was just empty I guess and needed something fiber filled to fill me up. So for the first time in 8 days I had cereal, I resisted the bread and the flapjack I made for my friend. But it puts me over my limit for today. 

Burnt: 250
Intake: 500ish [nuts and cereal mainly, which is sooo bad] 
Ugrh I feel so sick and full, and bloated its awful. Today I was supposed to get back in the game, only have 1/2 a grapefruit. I had that and then didn't stop!!! Agrh so stupid. Now I'm going to be on the toilet all day tomorrow getting rid of it. DEFINATE detox tomorrow! haha. 

DO NOT DISTRESS, GET BACK INTO THE CYCLE AND GET OVER THIS, it was 1 slip up in a 8 days. It's nothing. 

I'll burn quiet a lot tomorrow at tennis and basketball hopefully and stick to my diet. I think I need to redo my meal plan.

XxX